Day One - I was stressed but excited. It was new. I was prepared with my recently bought groceries. I should have bought more. All the options I bought didn't seem to go as far or be as appealing as I had imagined. I drank my coffee black and didn't mind. I picked up the Starbucks blonde blend K-Cups so it is easier to drink without all the sugar and creamer. I felt the cravings hit me around 2pm. That is when I go to pick up my son from school and then we hit the skatepark and playground so I was distracted and survived. I had more cravings that evening after the kids went to bed but I ate my chilled pineapple instead. I felt proud.
Day Two - Day two is hell people. The new is gone. You are left alone with just the realization that it is really gone. You reminisce about the good times you and sugar and the crap food use to have.
Sugar, do you remember how you were there for me every morning at Port City Java waiting in my hot fancy coffee? I miss you. I miss us. You were my partner to get through the day. I had to leave you. This was an unhealthy relationship but oh how I miss you. I keep thinking about you. Everything reminds me of you. There is no where to turn right now that I can forget you. But you did some pretty awful things to me and I will use that to be strong.
I managed to get through that day of grieving and loss. Day two felt like I had been ran over by a truck. Everything hurt. I had a horrific headache. I think what gave me strength was my husband. He was there to keep me accountable and told me he was proud of me. How could I mess that up? So, I didn't.
Day Three - The day of relapse. I was feeling pretty dang good. The aches and pains were gone. I noticed that my stomach was not bloated. I already knew some snacks and meal options from the two previous days. I hadn't stepped on a scale and didn't care to. I could feel my body letting go of the crap and it felt great. I carried on perfectly. Until I put the kids to bed. You see, my husband was gone for the second night this week. I was a bit sad and lonely. I needed a friend. I know you should never call up an ex when you are sad and lonely. I thought just a little bit couldn't hurt. Just one little hit of sugar and I'd be right again. I could quit when I wanted. I was still in control. Then I ended up looking just like that Cookie Monster image. Like a sugar crack addict I shoved caramel popcorn in my mouth. Then a couple spoons of vanilla ice cream. Then I saw it. A package of ready to bake cookie dough squares I had gotten for the kids to make before Christmas break. Before I could even stop to think I had eaten four of them. Then in a moment of clarity and shame I laid on the couch in pain. My stomach twisted and turned. I felt bloated and uncomfortable. I had that headache again. It was not worth it!
So here I am, Day Four. The day after my sugar relapse and I'm feeling optimistic. I'm not going to shame myself and feel guilty today. Instead I'm going to use that experience as fuel to fight cravings. When sugar calls me I will remember how it felt after that binge and I will not answer.
It's true that breakups are messy!
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